New Discoveries and a Shift in Focus

For the past three years, I’ve been focusing pretty fiercely on my attempt to lose weight. I’ve tried to keep a good, body positive perspective but have never lost sight of that end goal. Since my experience with Intuitive Eating prior to discovering Paleo, I’ve been pretty fearful of letting go and losing control. I did not trust myself to make good decisions for my health so I settled on the prize of weight loss to keep me on the straight and narrow. I also harbored a secret fear that no one would ever take me seriously in the Paleo community if I was still fat.

I don’t know if there is something physically, psychologically, or otherwise holding me back from achieving my desired body composition, but any which way, I’m over it. I am over actively trying to change my body. Here’s a little recap of what I’ve been working on lately to take the very best care of myself without the express goal of weight loss:

Dressing Your Truth

I’m in love with this program. I look and feel better than ever and haven’t lost a pound (not that I’ve weighed myself!) I cannot recommend it highly enough for promoting great self-care and expression true to yourself. Life changing.

T-Tapp

I’d heard of this before but never thought it would be for me. It was mentioned in one of the DYT videos and I decided to give it a whirl. I feel more toned, energetic, and have gotten lots of compliments from Cute Man since doing this 2-5 times per week. The basic workout takes less than 20 min. Score.

Perfect Health Diet

Yes, that again. I’m just eating real, normal food while avoiding nasty oils, processed food, added sugar, and wheat products. The biggest difference is that I’m not doing it to try to diet or lose weight. My only goal is to promote overall health and avoid the acid reflux, psoriasis, headaches and other health problems I dealt with pre-Paleo. I’ve also started incorporating resistant starch, which blunts blood sugar spikes and promotes gut health. It just means that I cook my potatoes and rice a day in advance to allow them to cool down after cooking in order to allow the RS to be formed. My appetite is WAY down and my sugar cravings have diminished a lot. I feel almost incapable of overeating. When I’ve had enough, I have to stop right in my tracks with a feeling of not being able to take even one more bite. I can’t eat even half what I used to for dinner. Very interesting. I am not eating any rice noodles or other gluten free processed foods – those seemed to set me off and gave me acid reflux. I started with the RS after listening to this Latest inPaleo Podcast. More info on Free the Animal (warning – he is very unpolitically correct, so if you’re easily offended, please avoid).

Perfect Health Diet – Week 2

It’s been over week so far and I’m starting to settle in to my new routine. Eating some fruit or starch every 3-5 hours seems to be the ticket for keeping my blood sugar stable. I really do need to keep it to one serving at a time (one small piece of fruit; half cup of starchy veg or rice) or else I activate the carb monster who just wants to keep eating and eating. I only eat the starches with meals so they’re paired with protein and fat. I do sometimes eat fruit on its own for snacks, and thankfully, that doesn't seem to cause any issues – maybe it’s the fiber and water that naturally comes packaged in fruit…

I have noticed that I’m a little more emotional lately. It’s not the horrendous mood swings of my high carb days, but it’s noticeable to me. I haven’t had any melt-downs or anything, I just feel little more raw. I will stay tuned in to this and see if this evens out, becomes my new normal, or what. As long as I don’t start going off on Cute Man like I did in the past, I think it’s OK.

One thing I have been emotional about is my weight. When will I just get over this? I am determined not to weigh myself for at least the next month, to give this a real shot. My clothes all fit fine, but I feel like an extra little roll has returned around my middle. Is that just from my glycogen refilling?

As these thoughts swirled around in my brain, making me doubt the road I’m on, I came across Stacy’s post about Fat Phobia today. It galls me to know that after all I've been through, all I've earned, I am STILL hung up about my weight. Reading that made me confront the fact that despite my lip service to acceptance, I am still on a weight loss journey. I talk about focusing on health first, but I really want that to result in losing excess fat.

I am quite familiar with the concept of Fat Acceptance and was very into the idea of Health at Every Size prior to discovering Paleo. I still hold to those ideas intellectually, but have refined them a bit. Trying to eat intuitively (as I did for two years), without the knowledge that wheat, in particular, stimulates appetite and makes me eat more than I need, was not effective. It felt great to not “worry about my weight”, but it did not feel good to keep getting bigger and bigger with no end in sight. I also had horrible heartburn, psoriasis, low energy, etc. Finding information about Paleo did resolve those things in time and did help me shed some of my excess fat. I guess at some point I lost sight of the health goals and fell back into the familiar trappings of a weight loss quest. 

I’ve written about this quandary many times here but it’s clear that I’m just not over it or at peace with where I am. There is a lot of work left to do. I’m so glad to have such a great support system – a husband who loves me at any size and friends, like Stacy, who are on a similar path.

Another 180?

Weight Watchers junky to Intuitive Eating purist to the Metabolism Miracle… Have I lost my mind and succumbed to a fad diet? No… please hear me out…

I’ve talked a lot about how dieting has not worked for me (to lose weight or in terms of my mental health). I was thrilled to discover intuitive eating and have gained a great deal of peace through that type of approach to food. It feels great to no longer be a slave to cravings and it still amazes me how easily I can decide I’m full and just stop. No big deal! But somewhere there was a disconnect – if I was doing such a good job of tuning into my hunger, etc. why was I continuing to gain weight steadily? I understood the rebound affect after stopping with the restriction, but after almost two years, there has been no end in sight. I am not afraid of being fat, per se but there came a point where I came to terms with the fact that I just don’t feel good and my health was starting to be affected.

I felt lost – not wanting to return to calorie counting but not really knowing what else to do. That’s when I discovered the Metabolism Miracle. I know it sounds faddy and I really wish it had a less sensational kind of name so I wouldn’t feel so foolish. I heard an interview with the author in a podcast and what she had to say stopped me in my tracks. The premise of the book and of the author, Diane Kress’s work as a dietitian, is that about half of those who are overweight have a problem with insulin. This manifests itself in conditions (when actually diagnosed!) like insulin resistance, metabolic syndrome, PCOS, and eventually, Type 2 diabetes. The symptoms manifest at different times in our lives for different people. Some might start having issues early in life, others not until they get gestational diabetes during pregnancy, or even not until menopause. Regardless of when symptoms arrive, all of these folks have what she calls Metabolism B. Men can have this too, I just tuned in more to the female life stages since I am one :)

People with this type of metabolism have trouble losing weight and/or keeping it off, tend to gain weight around their middle, and often suffer from mood swings (among many other symptoms). But there is a way to see it in blood work as well – fasting glucose over 85 (mine was last checked at 98), history of low-normal blood pressure earlier in life which creeps up to borderline high/high as the symptoms manifest (that’s me!), high “bad” cholesterol (yep, although I also have high “good” cholesterol…), and either really low or really high triglycerides (I have the latter). Trying to combat this by merely limiting saturated and trans fats won’t help because the real culprit is the carbohydrates – the nutrient that sends people with this predisposition into a blood sugar/insulin tailspin that leads right to fat gain – either in our blood or on our bodies (or both!)

Because our bodies are going haywire by overproducing insulin we wind up in a cycle of high to low blood sugar which leads us back to carbs and more carbs just to try to make ourselves feel better; when your blood sugar drops low, you get a signal to follow the quickest route to relief – fast carbs! Add that to the fact that if we don’t eat carbs often enough, our liver will release glycogen stores into our bloodstream to keep us going (which also sets the insulin response in motion). So we’re still getting fatter when we DON”T EAT. This is crazy making, when you think about it.

Diane Kress explains the science behind this response pretty well but I don’t even need all that to recognize the pattern in my own life. This totally explains why I get hungry again quickly after eating quick carbs, why I’m cranky as hell if I don’t eat every few of hours, why I get dead tired in the middle of the afternoon and need coffee just to make it through the rest of the day, and why I’m normally NOT hungry in the morning (my liver’s been dumping sugar into my bloodstream for hours since it’s been so long since I last ate – sometimes since 7pm the night before – over 12 hours!)

So what can I do about it? Well, her plan is pretty genius and completely doable. There is an initial low carb phase where you let your liver and pancreas (that releases the insulin) rest. That is 8 weeks and is low-carb, not no-carb. I’m a couple weeks in and it’s not that tough. I get to put my intuitive eating skills to use – there’s very little counting. It’s basically just a way to treat my body well. Those carby foods weren’t making me feel good so it’s not such a big challenge to avoid them for awhile. I cannot express how much better I’ve been feeling in terms of energy level and mood lately. And it’s a beautiful thing to know that this isn’t forever, that I will get more of those foods back when I’m ready for them.

The big difference between this program and those like Atkins or South Beach is the idea that the important thing is to keep a steady stream of low impact carbs coming to keep the insulin response in check and block the self-feeding mechanism from the liver so that it doesn’t kick in and exacerbate the insulin problem. After the first phase where you’re blocking this cycle by just not ever having enough carbs at a time to trigger an insulin release or build up the sugar stores in the liver that would allow the self-feeding to happen, the second phase switches the focus to controlling insulin by giving the body controlled amounts of carbs on a regular basis to keep the system humming and on track without over stimulating the pancreas to over-release insulin. Basically, it involves never going more than 5 hours without a serving of carbs (each time you eat carbs it’s a single serving of low impact carbs like whole grain as opposed to white, etc.) She even advocates a snack if you wake up in the night to prevent the overnight release. At the very least, we should eat one serving right before bed and shortly after getting up. It is so counter to what we’ve always been taught (don’t eat after 8!) but makes a lot of sense to me now. The final phase is maintenance or simply a plan to live your life after the goal of losing weight is off the table. It’s the same as phase 2, but includes more carbs (the amount is based on your personal stats).

I really feel like I’ve found the missing piece. I don’t see this as a return to dieting but rather a way to treat a medical condition I didn’t even understand I had! Looking at my lab work, I can see that I was on this train and that if I didn’t stop the cycle, I’d be diagnosed with pre-diabetes and most certainly put on meds for my high cholesterol sooner rather than later. Having this information makes me feel so empowered with a feeling like I’m finally on the right track. I don’t feel restricted or deprived, I feel free knowing that I’m finally addressing the root problem, not just the symptom (the weight).

Learn more on the book’s Amazon page (you can “look inside” to get a good bit of text before committing to buy it) and the Metabolism Miracle website.

Anyone else heard of this approach?

Why am I Gluten Free and Should I Stay that Way?

When trying out a gluten elimination diet, a 60 day trial is usually what is recommended. Well, it’s been 60 days. I’ve found avoiding gluten to be not as difficult as I would have imagined. The only time I really freaked out was at the wedding last weekend. I was cranky and hungry when we got to the reception and consciously made the choice to dig into the bread basket. That night I had a roll and a half and about a cup of spaghetti. Not exactly a “breaking my diet” binge. I didn’t feel any sort of urge to go all out or overindulge since I’d already given myself permission to “eat what I wanted”. And although there was lovely wedding cake, donuts, and other dessert-goodness, I was simply too full by that point to be interested. This all just reinforced to me that avoiding gluten was a choice I was making to see if it would improve how I felt, not a diet. I had none of the diet-breaking symptoms. This was fantastic news. One thing I did notice was that I craved a bagel the next morning when I smelled Cute Man toasting one. I decided to not go for it, then, so it definitely wasn’t an all-encompassing undeniable urge. I’ve remained gluten free since and it’s been fine.

My question, though, is: what is the purpose? Am I achieving what I sought out to do? I reviewed my first post about going GF from back in April and realized that I haven’t seen any improvement in the physical symptoms I described. The biggest is the heartburn and that is still raging, I must say. TUMS remains my friend and I’m living with it. The other things I mentioned all remain the same, too. With the gluten free trial period completed, I would expect to see some sort of difference. I realize that these things don’t happen right away, but after two months, I’d think I’d see something. So, it’s really an opportunity cost thing. For the inconvenience of avoiding this food, what I am getting? Nothing really that I can see.

I also need to balance these health concerns with my dieting history and make sure I’m not doing it in order to somehow continue to restrict my eating. I must admit that I hoped that avoiding wheat would have a “happy side-effect” of not exactly weight loss, but maybe leave me less bloated and more comfortable in my clothes… Well, the bridesmaid dress was definitely tighter last week than it was before the GF experiment. I’m not beating myself up about that or anything, it’s just a fact. So that hope (whether it was a healthy one or not) went out the window, too. As a result, I feel like I need to return to Intuitive Eating basics and stop the GF restriction at this time. It’s not helping me and may actually be triggering a bit of my ‘fantasy of finding the answer to my weight related woes’ issue. I can say that I’m fine with being fat all I want, but it’s a hard road to follow within our culture. I recognize that dieting has never had a lasting positive impact on my life but making peace with my body is an ongoing process.

Moving forward, I’m continuing to focus on treating my body well. I’ve been upping my yoga practice and enjoying it at home more often as well as my classes at work. I want to add more walking in my daily life but I’m otherwise pleased with my ability and inclination toward activity (it’s no longer something I should do, rather it’s something I want to do because it feels good). This is a huge shift for me! I also know that keeping processed foods to a minimum helps me feel better, too, so that will continue. As for the continuing heartburn, it is what it is. For now, I think medicating with TUMS isn’t the end of the world. I’ll mention it to my doctor the next time I’m there and see if she has any ideas. It’s time to give myself a break and just trust I know how to feed myself: Eat when hungry, stop when full. I can do that!

The Zaftig Chicks & the Fat Nutritionist Go at it &Why I Love it!

I am a big fan of both the Zaftig Chicks and the Fat Nutritionist. I guess that’s what they call “cognitive dissonance”. It was surreal to see the fallout from a big difference of opinion, expressed in the two posts I linked. For me, it’s fun to see a whole range of opinions that I can sort through and make my own mind up about. I totally get where Silvia (one of the Zaftig Chicks) is coming from. I sometimes question how healthy I can be with the extra weight and have moments where I fantasize about going back on WW for a bit, just to make a dent in the situation. THEN, I can practice Health at Every Size (HAES) and live happily ever after, right?

But then I take a long hard look at my own history. Not statistics, failure rates, blah blah blah. I look at my life. What has all the dieting (mostly on and off WW since age 10) done for me? If I’m honest, it’s made me fatter. When I take an objective look at myself I have to conclude that there must be a problem with the system, not me. The diet industry brainwashes us to think that every time we gain the weight back, it’s our own damn fault. We’re just not disciplined enough. Speaking as someone who has completed two full marathons (both as an “obese” person), I have discipline, thankyouverymuch.

That’s why reading Linda Bacon’s HAES book was such a lightbulb moment for me. There has to be another way besides this yo-yo cycle. It’s scary as hell sometimes and I have gained weight since resolving never to diet again. But just because that’s happened doesn’t lead me to think that going back to dieting is the answer. Experience has taught me that the incredible effort it takes to shed the pounds will ultimately not be worth it. My history teaches me that I can lose weight (although each subsequent time gets harder and harder) but I will inevitably gain it back and then some. What’s the point?

But as a complex human being, I have the ability to choose between more than black and white, dieting and gorging myself to death. HAES is that middle path. I feel great about my twice a week yoga routine and my three time-a-week 10 Minute Workouts. Moving makes me feel better, keeps me flexible, and hopefully, positively impacts my overall health. Do I still eat more than I should from time to time? Yes, it happens, but it doesn’t wreck my day. Now that I have “permission” to eat that chocolate cake (or yummy frozen cheesecake from Trader Joe’s, oh my!) I somehow don’t have the urge to eat gobs of it at a time. There’s no need to get it all in now before the diet starts. Funny how that works.

But yet, I gain weight. I’ve stopped weighing myself but I know it’s happening. It’s frustrating to realize that I really don’t eat “that much”. Objectively speaking, I have a very balanced diet with lots of fruits and vegetables. I don’t binge on fast food or any other “junk”. I eat that kind of stuff pretty moderately. I know that many professionals tend to discount self reporting and think that people like me are lying or just misjudging what we eat. But really, I know what I’m talking about. As many diets as I’ve been on, I can gauge calorie counts and portion sizes with the best of them. I’m not saying I eat a low calorie diet, I’m just saying it’s a normal, balanced one. If you taped me for a week and attributed the amount of food eaten to an average sized person, I don’t think anyone would wonder why she wasn’t 250 lbs.

I could cry out at the gods about the unfairness of it all, but what’s the use? The truth is, I’ve wrecked my metabolism from all the dieting and it shouldn’t come as a surprise. I hope my body will eventually forgive me and either settle at a weight soon or maybe let go of whatever extra it doesn’t need. I know that it’s unlikely that I’ll just keep gaining weight indefinitely – although, I certainly entertain that fear on occasion. But so much of life is really out of our immediate control. I’ve made my peace and will see where it takes me. Because the alternative? It’s just not an option anymore. There are only so many times I can bang my head against the wall and then wonder why I have a headache.

In the end, I can’t help but wish Bianca and Silvia the best of luck with their WW endeavors. All I can wish for any of us dealing with the pressure to lose weight for health (or any other) reasons, is that we can all find “success”, in whatever form it takes. I strongly believe that we all must find our own way through this mess. Me banging someone else over the head about HAES is no different from someone enlightening me about their latest diet. Mind your own business and worry about your own body. I’ll do the same. That being said, I have to admit that I love the snarkiness that’s alive and well (and in such good fun) on both sites and will be tuning in for round 3!

Reframing Resolutions

It’s that time of year – you know, when everyone and their mother is talking about how they’re going to make this year better than the last. And for many, that means self-improvement which often translates to TIME TO LOSE WEIGHT! The commercials are on a perpetual loop – NutriSystem! Jenny Craig! Weight Watchers! Even the cereal Special K is in on the action this year. How nice of them to remind us all that we’re big fat losers and we should go give them our money RIGHT NOW. Because, you know, science proves that giving them money makes us skinny.

However, for most of us, that promise just doesn’t pan out in any real or lasting way. Sure, we may see the scale dip lower for awhile (and doesn’t it just feel GREAT?!), but it’s the rare exception that sees that result last very long. And at what price? The thought of being on food restriction and being hyper-aware of all choices for the rest of my life is exhausting.

But still, I’m tempted. I cannot lie. I look at Valerie Bertinelli and think, “well, maybe…” I have to almost physically shake myself back to reality sometimes. Eating prepackaged food might work temporarily and offer a short respite from having to think about food and it’s affect on body size, but it’s not sustainable. The rebound alone is just not worth it. So, I must work with what I’ve got: my brain and my wonderful body that gets me through life each and every day. Isn’t that amazing?

Even so, the urge to get fit and focus on self improvement persists. I want to look and feel better than I do now. So what’s a Intuitive Eater in training to do? Well, you may call it just semantics but I choose to focus on behaviors and habits rather than the outcome. I choose to put my energy into doing things that are positive for my health – buying yummy whole foods, putting time and care into preparing meals, and moving my body. That’s it. I just let go of any expectation of weight loss. I’m recommitting to doing these things for my overall well-being so there is no pressure of disappointment if weight loss doesn’t happen as a result.

This outlook has a positive impact financially as well. I’m not forking over my cash with my self efficacy to some corporate conglomerate selling snake oil in the form of the fantasy of being thin. I’m not choosing to spend lots of money on classes or equipment to “motivate me”. In reality, getting fit and moving more doesn’t have to cost a thing. Paying for classes, etc. is nice (and I do spend some money on low cost yoga classes so I’m not hating on all expenditures). I just don’t think that spending money can substitute for actual follow-through – a lesson that’s taken me a long time to learn. There are so many free/low cost things to do, it’s incredible.

In my own particular (charmed) world, I have access to two free fitness rooms at work, low cost yoga classes at work, tons of free exercise classes On Demand (I’ve been using those for strength training), and my own two feet :) I also invested a couple bucks in some hand weights and a resistance band to help with my goal of getting stronger this year. That’s it.

To help get me going, I’ve lowered my threshold for what constitutes a good workout. I used to think that if I didn’t do at LEAST 30 minutes, it basically wasn’t worth it. Well, now I’m committing to just 20 minutes most days. Not all days, but most. I will have my 2 one-hour-long yoga classes each week, but the other days just require me to suit up and do 20 minutes. I can DO that. And starting where I am now (feeling very out of shape), it’s a good start that is least likely to result in injury. Will I up the time commitment as I rebuild my stamina? Probably, but I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it. For now, I just want to enjoy the effects of getting some exercise each day without all the pressure and obsession on results. I’m going to do it just to do it and see where it gets me.

So, how has the New Year impacted your motivation to get healthier in 2010? Are you a sucker for the urge to reboot your bod come January, like me? What steps are you taking in your quest? Or, are you immune to the social pressure and living life as usual, focused on your goals but no more or less so due to the calendar? How do you stay so sane? Please share your take in the comments.

Do You “Struggle with Your Weight”?

It’s a common phrase – one I’ve used myself many a time. I used it as a way to express that I was somehow a work-in-progress, that I knew and understood that I was flawed and that I was expending effort to fix the problem. It was a badge to hold up and say, “See, at least I know there’s a problem!” I could participate in the larger culture with my fat-exemption card. I have to admit that it was a big part of my identity, to the point where I created a whole social life around myself built on the very premise. Struggling together was easier than struggling alone because we all know, struggling sucks. It’s hard. It’s energy draining. It took over my life. I decided to revisit this idea after reading this post over at Living 400 lbs.

Now, I’d like to say that the struggle is over – that I’ve learned my lesson and all is healed. If it were only that easy. Life is never black and white and I am swimming my way through the gray. Some days I fully embody Margaret Cho’s Fuck it Diet, and feel really great, really in tune with what my body needs to function well and wants just for the joy of it. Other days, the anxiety creeps in and the struggle resurfaces as an effort to silence the food police in my head and the nasty thoughts about my current (and frightening-to-think-about future weight).

The one real tool I have to combat these negative feelings is exercise. The thing I sometimes forgot about when “working out” to try to lose weight, is that moving my body feels fantastic. Getting going is the hard part but usually I feel good while doing it and really good afterwards. It’s hard to feel bad about myself when I’ve just done an hour plus of walking, yoga, pilates, or other strength training. It just doesn’t compute. What I try to avoid, however, are the thoughts about how doing these things will somehow prevent the apocalypse of The Ever-Expanding-Amelia outcome that I so fear. I cannot claim to have overcome that one yet, but practice makes perfect. I try to reframe my desires for movement as something that is showing myself care, that I’m doing it to feel better in my own skin. The goal cannot be weight loss. It just doesn’t work for me. It makes the whole thing into a chore, something that must be checked off the good-fatty checklist. There is no faster way to churn up Please-Just-Let-Me-Sit-On-The-Couch thoughts than that.

I’ve started to notice that the more I talk to myself in this way, the closer I come to believing it. It’s the whole fake-it-till-you-make-it strategy in action. So, I’m calling it – I’m done with the “struggling” metaphor. My body and I are on the same team. Even when my brain sometimes rebels and I have to talk her down, we’re still on the same side. It’s all me and it’s all good. I’m all good. I don’t need or want fixing. I can take excellent care of myself with wholesome, yummy food and fun, joyful activity. I can do all that without the goal of changing my body or losing weight. I can be healthy and not at war with my body. I’m calling a permanent cease fire.

Does anyone else use this metaphor? Do you think it's helping or hurting your efforts to be happy and healthy?

A Return to Whole Foods (the concept, not the store!)

While catching up at Cheap Healthy Good, one of my favorite food sites, I came across a link to this post about Nourishing Traditions, a cookbook that focuses on getting back to cooking in well, more traditional time honored ways. I was pulled in right away.

Since starting on my path to Intuitive Eating (IE), I’ve been happily making peace with food. As a result, I’ve indulged in much more food of the processed persuasion, just because I *can*. Most of that has been the Trader Joe’s type of processed but not all of it. I definitely don’t like focusing on so much convenience food. There has to be a balance. I realize that it was necessary stage of my healing to swing the other way first, though, so I’m not judging my food choices or anything. I just am finding myself looking forward to cooking more whole foods and putting more effort into my cooking and general food prep.

I’ll actually be participating in an upcoming study that will examine how an IE lifestyle focused on mostly whole foods coupled with moderate strength training affects overall health. It will be a two year commitment and I’m super excited to participate. But that hasn’t started yet – I’ll post more about that when it begins next month and throughout the study.

My head is already starting to get back to craving “real” food that I prepare myself, though, so there’s no reason to wait. I’m coming at this from a place of excitement, not one of trying to “eat healthy”. I will not completely abandon all play foods, not by a long shot. I plan to continue incorporating them into my daily intake, focusing on making my own versions as well as treating myself to the occasional processed items from time to time. It’s not all or nothing. I’m focusing on ADDING more whole foods, not in trying to deny myself anything. I think that psychological distinction is key for me.

In any case, I came across the Nourishing Traditions book just when I was ready to embrace it. I hopped right over to Amazon and downloaded it to my Kindle. I’ve only just begun reading it (yes, I’m actually reading a cookbook!) and have discovered that it’s much more than just a book of recipes. It catalogues all the different ways we have been mislead when it comes to “nutrition” in the media. So many studies have been twisted to say what the researchers wanted them to say. Others were just ignored because they didn’t prove what they wanted them to. I’ve come across some of this before but it never ceases to amaze me. The author advocates a return to not only eating more whole foods but to draw on more traditional ways of food preparation as a way to combat some of the damage we’ve done to ourselves with all this fake food.

I will be working my way through the fantastic info in the book as well as trying out some recipes. I will periodically post about how they turn out and what I’m learning in the process. And lest you think that I’ve completely abandoned my focus on personal finance, I will be noting any savings that come from buying and cooking my own food on a more consistent basis.

Please chime in with any advice or experience you may have to share about cooking and eating whole foods. I’m not completely new to the concept (I’ve always loved to cook) but am coming at it from a whole new perspective. I welcome all input!

Fat Women LESS Likely to Have Premature Babies?

A study discussed by Sandy Szwarc at Junk Food Science totally blew my mind. For years, I have been fraught with fears of getting pregnant while still in the obese category. I thought, if only I could lose some weight before having children, everything would be better – I’d be healthier, my baby would be healthier. I also thought about how I could eat in healthy way so that I wouldn’t gain too much weight while pregnant. And it goes without saying that I’d do my best to shed those excess pounds after delivery. I just couldn’t fathom getting bigger than I am already.

First goal: lose weight before getting pregnant.

Second goal: don’t gain too much weight when I do.

Third goal: work to lose pregnancy weight after birth.

I am literally in tears thinking about how much time I wasted trying to lose weight for this reason only to learn (from the study discussed in the link above):

The CDC researchers also found that fat women with BMIs in the ‘obese’ category and high weight gain (>1.5 pounds/week) were associated with the lowest risks for preterm deliveries of all (2.4%): less than half the risks seen among those of average weights and weight gain. While some believe fat women should gain less weight during pregnancy, they found that low pregnancy weight gain for obese women raised their risks for preterm deliveries to 9.3%.

And of COURSE I’d want to lose weight after having my first child, right? More from the article linked above:

Another point noted in this new study that may have come as a revelation was that researchers had previously shown that weight loss after a pregnancy can increase a woman’s risk of having a preterm delivery with her next pregnancy.

This one article alone has challenged me to question all that I thought I knew about weight and pregnancy. I can’t say that I’ve completely let go of my fears of weight GAIN. It’s scary to think that it is not only inevitable but actually preferable that I would indeed gain weight when carrying my first child. Sitting here at my highest weight (I’ve reached it before but never exceeded it, that I know of), I can’t imagine it.

While following a path of intuitive eating, I recognize that I may release some weight as my body normalizes and lets go of any excess that is not needed. I know that paradoxically, if I focus on that as a goal, I’m least likely to see that happen. But I still hope… I genuinely still believe that it would be healthier for me to start having children at a lower weight. Whether this is true or not, I cannot say.

The important thing for me to take from this is that no matter what, I am following the path I need to take. If it leads to me to getting smaller in the long run, if that’s where my body will be healthiest, great. If not, this is encouraging news that I may not be putting myself and my future child in harm’s way.

I was comforted to be reminded:

For most of human history, fat has been life-sustaining and a sign of a woman’s ability to bear and nurture children. Obesity continues to be shown to have a protective relationship for carrying a baby to term in the soundest studies, as these researchers confirmed...

…the welfare of all babies and improving their chances for healthy futures should be the primary concern, not whether their mums are fat. All babies deserve a healthy start and all mothers-to-be deserve good prenatal care… and the very best information.

It is true that the Cute Man and I have delayed having children for many reasons (getting our finances together was a biggy), but I must admit that this is the one that really stopped me in my tracks. With so much information out there, it is indeed hard to know what to believe. However, the studies discussed in this article have really spurred a lot of thought. I am interested in any other perspectives you may want to share!

Food for Thought (pun intended)

I came across an incredible post by Kate Harding at Shapely Prose that explains how intuitive eating (what she calls demand feeding) works and why it is so important. I was going to pull out a quote to illustrate, but really, if you’re at all interested, just go read Devouring the World. Like Kate, and many others, I’ve had the fear that if I just let go of the strings holding me back, there’d be no end to my gluttony and I’d keep gaining weight indefinitely (read about why that’s unlikely at Can Just Anyone Weigh 400 lbs?) I’m starting to really get it and the fear is subsiding more and more each day.

My Body: A Guide to Where I Want to Go

My body is really trying to tell me that something is out of whack. I only experience heartburn when my eating is what I used to call “out of control”. It’s when I’m eating more processed foods and less fruits and veggies. While working on making peace with food, I’ve eaten my fill of these types of things. It’s good to take that power away from them but it’s starting to take its toll. Since I only get indigestion when out of balance, I don’t keep antacids or anything in the house. Usually eating a mint helps enough to let me sleep (it really only happens at night, when it does happen).

However, the last couple of nights have been bad. I read somewhere that a teaspoon of baking soda dissolved in water helps to neutralize the acid. And it does! It helped a lot the past couple of nights. It tastes nasty but it works. But the more important thing is, it’s a clear message. I’ve been slowly working more fruits, veggies, and whole grains back into my diet. I’m trying to work from a place of abundance rather than attempt to restrict myself (we all know how THAT goes…) As a result, I’ve started ordering my weekly (mostly local) produce delivery and having those fresh ingredients around again has helped. I’m looking forward to clearing my system out somewhat.

I’m trying to remember that it’s not all or nothing, that this is a process and that I’m just trying to take care of myself in a better way. Letting go of the goal of weight loss has been such a relief to me. Just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes. I feel so great just the way I am now – why was I waiting for my body to change in order to be a peace with myself? So silly, in retrospect. I AM happy and it’s so good to just revel in that.

I still have the niggling fear of weight gain, though. It will take time for that to subside a bit. I feel my body filling out more and sometimes that does scare me. I don’t like that I’m finding some yoga poses a bit more difficult, for instance. I just try to tell myself that this is part of the process. I have to allow my body the room to equalize on its own time and that it might have to expand before it feels safe enough to release what it doesn’t need.

When I think of where I want to be, I don’t see thinness. This is a bit of breakthrough… When I think of where I want to be, I visualize strength, stability, and flexibility. I think of how I’d like my body to be able to move and feel. I think of my strong vital body several years ago when I was able to complete a marathon. I think of the ease I had when doing yoga. I don’t think of those times with nostalgia or regret that I am no longer there. I think of them as inspiration of what I am capable of…

The difference between those memories and what I envision for myself now is in the process. Previously, I got there through single minded, all encompassing dieting. I only inhabited that space for a short time before “real life” came back full throttle. Now, I’d like to work towards better health and fitness with a more sustainable approach, one that will be my way to life. I don’t think it’s likely that I will reach the place I did through dieting – my set-point is likely higher than that. And that’s OK. What I’m looking to recapture is how I FELT, not how I looked. I know I’m on the right path and that I will get there, if I listen to the expert, ME.

Navigating away from the Diet Mentality: What about My Dieting Friends?

Learning about Intuitive Eating truly was an eye-opening experience for me but it’s not just something that happened, it’s a (probably lifelong) process of healing and learning to trust myself. It’s a strange new world where I’m in the driver’s seat. I’m not 100% sure where I’ll end up, but I’m sure enjoying the ride a whole lot more. Halleluiah, praise the Lord! I can’t wait to share the good news!

That the danger, anyway. I’ve found the answer! Time to let everyone know the truth! But maybe not. I’m just at the very start of beginning to figure this all out. I am definitely sold on the fact that diets don’t work (in any fashion, even those touted as lifestyle changes). Anything that uses an outside mechanism to dictate how I should eat is doomed to fail and keep me on the hamster wheel of yo-yo dieting. I get it. But it’s a lot harder to LIVE it. I’m swimming against a tide of my own habits, friends’ behaviors, and general societal pressure. I may indeed do all this emotional work and wind up, *gasp*, still fat. I’m OK with that. If that’s where my body needs to be for me to be a happy person, I’ll take it. I do trust that by letting go of the obsession to lose weight, I will indeed wind up releasing some of the “extra” padding that makes me feel uncomfortable. But that is secondary to getting my life back from the all-consuming quest of weight loss. I seriously almost don’t know what to do with myself now that I don’t spend so much time worrying about and planning what to eat. It’s a whole new world!

But back to my point. Sure, I’m working through this and I’ve looked to many sources of support – from books, to audio programs, to online forums. I spend some time devoted to thinking about IE and looking for new info about it. But not NEARLY what I had spent previously on the diet quest. And a lot of that time was spent with my wonderful friends at the Weight Watchers board. Over the past few years I’ve gotten to know them not only as online weight loss buddies, but as amazing people.

So what now? Although I don’t think it would be healthy for me to continue hanging out on a weight loss board, that doesn’t mean they aren’t my friends anymore. The good thing about being a rational, thinking adult is that it’s OK to not agree 100% with everything that your friends believe or do. I am fully aware that each person is entitled to find their own path to health and happiness. I think I’ve found a good one for me, who am I to say what would work for someone else? If anyone else finds that the path they’re on no longer works, I’m here to talk about what I have found. I think the best method of spreading the word is to live well and be happy. If that appeals to others, they’ll have no problem coming to me about it.

I particularly like this quote from the Fat Nutritionist:

Your shit is your shit to figure out, and sometimes the only way out is through. In fact, the way I came to the place of relative peace I now inhabit with my body was by experiencing dieting in all its fucked-upness. I am not about to take that learning opportunity away from you, if you feel you need it. And if, in the end, you decide dieting is really not a tool of the devil, and you have no particular problem with it? Then whatever. I still won’t have a particular problem with you, either, unless you make it my problem.

No, I don’t agree with it, but we don’t have to agree. We just have to love each other, and thankfully we really, really do.

I couldn’t say it better myself! (((HUGS)))

Making Peace with Food and My Finances

It just occurred to me that this process of making peace with food is having not only a mental/emotional/health impact, but a financial one as well. As I worked to get my finances under control, I came up with a series of habits that really helped keep me on track. Chief among them were the habits related to food shopping. I almost always had a shopping list and I found it very helpful to shop for two weeks at a time, with very few if any in-between forays to the store. I did get fresh produce delivered on the off weeks to keep that stuff stocked.

However, over the past couple of months I’ve started to see a shift. Part of that is a conscious move away from meticulous money tracking – a gift I gave myself for having resolved most of my issues and gotten into an established saving pattern. With that, came a more relaxed shopping list and more frequent trips to the store. The additional cost was not significant at first, which was gratifying. Even going on autopilot, I spent about the same as usual.

Over the past couple of weeks, though, I’ve noticed that I’m stopping at the store a LOT. This is mostly to indulge cravings and round out meals I planned to prepare. In my effort to make peace with food, I have been indulging whims in my eating and shopping habits in a way that I have not in a long time. I have not totaled up with amount of spending but it “feels” like I’m spending more.

I know that this phase is just that, a phase of my healing where I need to indulge myself a little bit. I need to feel like nothing is off limits and what I want really is worth an extra trip to the store. I am fortunate to be tackling this issue at a time when money is not nearly as tight as it once was. This gives me a freedom for which I’m grateful.

At the same time I know I’m out of balance. I can feel it. I am eating a bit too much and I’m spending a bit too much. After taking some time to really let loose, I feel pulled toward the middle. I crave the feeling that comes with being in tune with not only what my body wants (ice cream!) but what it also needs (vegetables!) What’s different now is that instead of looking to some program (Weight Watchers/counting calories) to tell me how to find that balance, I’m looking inward to find the answer. Now that I’m actually listening, the message is starting to get through.

Although things (my eating/finances) are a bit out of whack right now, it’s OK. I realize that’s just part of how this process unfolds. I need to trust myself to move through this in whatever way feels right to me. I think I’m finally starting to really trust that food will always be there for me when I’m hungry – that the days of restriction are over. Once that completely truly sinks in, I know that the urge to eat half a box of Grasshoppers will subside :D

Making Peace with Food: Harder than I Thought

As I move through the process of learning how to eat intuitively, I am struggling to deal with its most fundamental concept – making peace with food. That is the underlying premise of this whole thing! On the one hand, it is really exciting to eat things that I’ve previously restricted. I always thought that I wasn’t “too bad” about all that – I let myself have treats, but tried to limit/control them. But throughout the last week, I’ve found myself bumping up against beliefs I didn’t even really consciously acknowledge. I find myself thinking of buying/eating a food and initially dismissing it as out of hand (a box of Mint Milanos or Oreos, white pasta with Alfredo sauce. These things are just too bad (at least in my head). I am working to let these beliefs go – I know they are only hurting me. The Alfredo sauce only has power and is so tantalizing because I don’t allow myself to eat it. So, I guess I know what I’ll be buying at the store later…

I keep reading that this diet-backlash phase is normal and that I have to allow myself to move through it naturally. It’s OK that the majority of what I’m eating is “play food”. It won’t last forever. Eventually, if I really listen to my body, I’ll start to crave/want good for me stuff, too. But I’m not there yet and rushing it doesn’t work. I’m starting to get an inkling of this, though. I don’t like how I felt last night after eating too much ice cream after a larger dinner. Thinking about not wanting to repeat that feeling (bloated, uncomfortable) is a learning experience. I am retraining myself to not think of it as a “bad night” or that I messed up, somehow. I know it’s just one of the learning experiences that will help me retune my relationship with food. That shift in thinking is a big milestone for me.

At some point, my body will get the message that I will never restrict its food again. It needs to feel secure in the fact that another diet isn’t right around the corner as was the case previously. When I finally accept that food will always be readily available, I’ll be able to chill out in trying to get it all in. Knowing from others’ experience that it will happen doesn’t make it any less scary to be on the other side of it, waiting for it to kick in. There’s still a part of me that wonders if I’ll just keep eating and eating indefinitely and just get bigger and bigger. Intellectually, I understand that’s not what will happen, but emotionally, it’s the fear I’ve clung to for so long, that it’s hard to recalibrate my brain.

So for today, I’ll try not to think too much about it and just enjoy my food. Fried chicken and spaghetti with regular pesto sauce! It’s funny how I always said I didn’t know how to make fried chicken – I just didn’t allow myself to do it right. It is so good!